July 02, 2015

Lost & Found - Finding Myself.


Being a teenager is hard. Period. (No pun intended.)

For me, the hardest part of becoming a teenager wasn't the stereotypical things like spots and hormones and dealing with the what sometimes feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders, it was finding myself. Finding where I fitted in in the void of the world, and what category of people I belonged to, and what my existence means to everyone else, and if they even really cared. 

 Finding the individual that is me.

So, take 13 year old me - Probably in my second year of "Big School" and pretty much thought I had the world and its contents figured out. Simples. 
Skinny jeans, Blackberry phone, MSN Addict and a Lucky Joes hoody. (Ehh Northern Irish readers you feel me??)

I pretty much thought I was the shit.

Fast forward 2 years - I had just experienced what have so far been the worst years of my life. The, atmosphere lets call it, that I was so accustomed to since starting "Big School" had eaten me for breakfast, lunch and dinner, then spat me out and chewed me over again. 

I didn't belong to a category anymore, and no one wanted me in their category. I didn't quite understand what I was here for or what my life meant, I didn't believe that I was worth any more than what others made me believe, and I certainly didn't know who I was. I wanted to crawl into a dark room and never come out. I couldn't brand myself, or hide away in some crowd, because I didn't know which crowd to hide in. From my view everyone belonged somewhere and there I was.

I dreamt of the girl I wanted to be - confident, bubbly, loud, dress like I wanted to dress and not how everyone else dressed, be strong enough to stand on my own two feet, and someday I would be a Youtuber. It was so close I could almost touch it. But-it-was-just-that-tiinnnyyyyy-tinnnyyyy-stretch away. There was one thing stopping me.

Both my parents had watched from behind the glass for years as the bubbly and outwards girl that I once was just dribbled away. My Mum (bless her) printed out what were basically some "Tips and Tricks" (lol) on how to win the battle that I was so desperately losing.

I don't really remember any of the tips, except this one:

Pretend you have confidence, even if you don't, just pretend



It seems like the stupidest idea or concept to even grasp, but it actually works.

I tried it. When I found myself in situations where I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest, or my throat was closing with anxiousness and fear, I pretended like it didn't bother me. I pretended like I was so confident, and I fake laughed so hard that I actually became good at it. Even though no one around me could tell that this was happening to me and that inside I was thinking "I can't, I'm going to die, I can't breath, you're dead Sara, you're dead." I pretended, so damn hard. 

And it worked. 

After faking my confidence I realised that there really wasn't anything to freak out over. It was pointless worrying over certain peoples presence or what they said to me, or their actions around me or towards me, it wasn't worth ruining my own self worth over, or putting my heart under that much stress.

Once I realised this, I was truly confident. I didn't care about it anymore. I knew my freaking out was stupid.  I could let the little person in my head, which is actually the real me, the little person that was criticised and the little person I blamed for everything that happened over those years, out of the cage to breathe and be free. I didn't have to lock the real me away to please everyone else or to keep myself free from attention. Because I just didn't give a shit anymore. 

Once I found confidence in myself I started taking baby steps, forcing myself into situations that made me want to run back to that dark room, that made my heart beat so hard I felt it in my throat. I didn't always succeed on the first go and sometimes I did run back to the dark room, but after pushing and pushing myself to do more and more things, it got a lot easier. Telling people about my blog has probably been the biggest baby step I've taken so far. 

All of these steps have let me find myself. I have confidence to push myself to try new things, to retry things that scared me. I have confidence to laugh in front of whoever I like, I have confidence to dress how I like, I have confidence to not wear make up, I have confidence to post videos of myself on Youtube and I have confidence to love myself. 

I am Sara, Fashion and Beauty Blogger and Youtuber, I am confident, sometimes I dress weirdly, sometimes I'm loud and annoying, I hate following the crowd, I have my own opinions and I stand for what I believe in. That's me.

Finding myself has been one of life's most difficult challenges for me yet. But if someone offered to trade the last 5 years of my life for something better, I wouldn't even consider it - I have learnt so many life lessons in one serving. I am the happiest I could ever have imagined, I have immersed myself in my own category, my own crowd, with all the people I love, and who love me too. I know my own self worth and value, I have visions for my life, goals to achieve and a bucket list to complete. And I know where I fit in in the world. Believing in myself, and pretending to be confident, has let me find the individual that is me.


Sometimes we just go with the flow, no one wants to upset the rhythm, sometimes no one is faced with a situation where they lose themselves, sometimes people don't even realise that they haven't found themselves, so my question to you is, no matter if you're a teenager, a young adult, middle aged or older, have you found yourself? Where do you fit in in the world? 
Do you know the individual that is you?


Love, Sara. x






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